4. THOSE COOL SECURITY DUDES

I used to be a customer at the People’s Bank, Queen Street Branch which occupied the ground floor of that famous landmark The Ceylinco Building. That was before the Central Bank was bombed and the whole area became a high security zone. Then the bank was moved to another location. Even though I used the ATM for withdrawals I used to visit the bank building for other transactions.

That day as usual I parked right outside the bank building and walked into the bank. As I was a regular customer for a reasonable length of time I knew most of the security guards and they knew me, too. After the exchange of usual greetings I went to the table where the blank forms were and picked up the slips I wanted and started filling them.

It was then that I became aware of the unbearable and unmistakable stench of dog poo. The building was air conditioned and the stench was becoming worse by the minute. Now everyone was looking around for the source of the offensive odor when I made a remark to the customer next to me who seemed to be equally puzzles and wrinkling the nose. “Some dude seems to have brought in a real juicy lump of muck!”  He nodded his agreement.

Now the security guards seemed to galvanize into action and I saw them speaking rapidly into their walkie talkies. Then in a matter of few minutes cleaning crew arrived with a battery of heavy artillery to wage war against the dog poo. In a little while the bank lobby sprang into a beehive of activity.

“Operation Dog Shit” I said to the dude next to me and both of us laughed.

Then I saw the lump on the doormat and the traces of it fading away into the bank. Now the cleaning operation was in full swing with steam pressure washers, vacuum cleaners, driers and the lot. In a little while the air became heavy with the smell of detergent, then carpet shampoo and finally air freshener. I saw one security guard go outside into the parking area and return. Then he said in a low tone to his buddy, “It’s the gentleman who came on the motorbike!” I heard it because I was closer to them filling my forms on an empty writing surface. Now the air had become breathable once again!

After I finished I walked out. And the ever friendly security guards greeted me, “Good bye, sir. Come Again!’ I greeted back and walked into the parking space. Then it hit me. Mine was the only motorbike in the lot! And yes there was the lump of juicy dog poo just by my bike which I had stepped onto as I had got off the bike. I slowly checked the bottom of my left shoe. There it was still lodged between the treads staring at me.

And the nicest thing is, all those security dudes knew it was me but none of them gave away even the slightest hint even with a stray glance towards me saving my dignity. Not even when we greeted each other on my way out with the remains of the poo still stuck at the bottom of my shoe. Those guys were real professionals. And cool dudes!

3. McKaa - A Dude of a Kind

I met this dude McKaa at the Peradeniya English Teachers’ College. We were buddies in the same batch, same group, same class and also the same hostel. 

He was small built, short and also short sighted with a halo of curly hair. He either peeped over his glasses with the head tilted forward or squinted through them with the head tilted back for short and long distances vision respectively or the other way around. 

We never referred to him by his real name. He was nicknamed Macbeth first and then ‘beth’ dropped and ‘Mac’ remained which made him jubilant. But it was short lived as he became ‘McKaa’ (flea) to his dismay first and later he had to get used to anyways.

McKaa was a class of his own.  He came from a town in Southern Sri Lanka which was popularly known as Downsouth.

One afternoon I heard him calling another guy whose name now I’ve forgotten.

“Hey Dude, get up, Hey Hey!”

I heard some obscenities muttered sleepily as other guy was mad at him for disturbing his nap.

“Hey, get up dude. Let’s go to Kandy. I want to go to the British Council to return my books.”

I heard more muffled curses followed by more persuasions. McKaa usually has his way in the end. He played his trump card.

“Hey, Listen, I pick up the tab. I buy the bus tickets. I pay for coffees.. All you gotta do is just drag along..”

After some time I heard the bed creaking and some shuffling and the other guy say...

“Then you better pick up the tab, dude, cos, I’m flat broke. And I’m coming ‘cos you won’t let me sleep anyways.”

After that I didn’t hear much as I dozed off into blissful sleep feeling grateful to the other guy for giving in and getting McKaa out of the way.

Later in the evening when we were having tea and smoking before going out for evening walks, McKaa returned with the other dude. McKaa dumped the books and the some shopping bags on the bed. Both were laughing and joking. What McKaa said next turned all the heads.

“Hey Dude, xx.xx  bucks for the bus and xx.xx bucks for the coffee. Total xxx.xx bucks. You have to give me xx.xx, half the total!"

Other dude was speechless for some time. He finally managed to say “W-What?

“You heard me. Let’s share it fifty-fifty."

“You dirty filthy f... asshole, I was trying to nap. You are the ... who was pestering me to go with you and you promised to pick up the whole tab. And I went because of you. I didn’t want to go in the first place.."

He looked at us for support ”Hey Bro, see ..!”

I said, “Hey McKaa I also heard what you said. You are like a stinking politician.”

“This is a total rotten, ungrateful, opportunist shithead!" he was exasperated.

McKaa peeped over his glasses at his victim.

 “That was originally when you agreed to go just because I wanted to and you had no need to go..but..”

“But what?”

McKaa picked up a pair new of socks from the bed and shoved it in the other guy’s face.

“You bought these socks, didn’t you? So you were also benefited by the trip.” McKaa was now grinning and nodding triumphantly.

“...and that makes you eligible to pay half the amount.”

Further conversation was drowned in the commotion that followed.

McKaa is a class of his own.

Read this Post in Sinhala @ මැක් ලොජික්

2. BUCKLE UP DUDES!

I’m not an automobile safety expert or anything like that.

This blog site is not meant to feed you with safety rules or anything either. These are just things I couldn’t help but noticing and was itching to tell.

“I don’t wear the seat belt because it crumples my shirt.” That’s what one dude said when I asked him why he won’t wear his seat belt. It’s just like not wearing the crash helmet because it flattens your gel styled hair! You work on your hair for half an hour in front of the mirror and then your helmet turns it into a wet mop on arrival. Oops!

Absolutely seat belt crumples and messes up clothes just like the helmet messes up hair. That’s a chance you gotta take to save your life.

And not only that, the seat belts are uncomfortable. Actually my seat belt was almost cutting into my neck. What I did was fitting thin a foam rubber pad I made myself. Now it looks even sportier! (I’m a DIY dude)

“Don’t want the seat belt dude, it’s only short distance”, is another wiz talk I often hear. Same with the crash helmet when riding. But, do you know that most of the fatal crashes occur within a few kilometers from home?

One pessimist who always finds some conspiracy theory in almost every damn thing said “When you wear the seat belt you are trapped inside that tin can in case of an accident. And the doors get jammed and so do the seat belt buckles. Just imagine falling into water with your car or car on fire!  You’re doomed, aren’t you? When you don’t wear the seat belt you will be thrown clear of the vehicle into safety.

A real knock out argument, huh? Or is it? 

Well, when you wear the belt you have better chance to be conscious because you won’t be banged about as much. Even if in water or fire you stand a better chance conscious which will enable you to unbuckle yourself. The seat buckle jamming like car door jamming is, well, is very rare. This being thrown clear of the car is actually blown out of proportion by action movies. What if you land on your head?

A dude once argued “Isn’t it democratic to be able to make your own choices whether to wear the seat belt or not?” Okay then, how democratic is it for other poor taxpayers having to pick up the tab to pay your medical bills or having to keep you alive just because you made your choice not to buckle up?  They have no choice?

Do you know there are ones who are shy to wear it because others might laugh. Oh come on! Grow up!

1.Hey Dudes,

Here I am! A blogger at last! No more waiting for the papers to publish it! No more wastepaper baskets to gobble up my creations. A blogger at last, dudes.. a BLOGGER at last!!

 I'm gonna open a parallel blog in Sinhala, too. The problem is typing it out in Sinhala. Still I'm working on it. Hope to link it to this, so dudes watch out for my Sinhala Blog.

What am gonna blog about?  Politics? Hell, no! So many are there to do that. I hate politics anyway. It's life in general. So I work out the categories later. 

So see you dudes!!