10. LABOR PAINS 3 - LABOR SCREAMS IN MULTI LANGUAGES

She was having her first baby. As was the custom those days it was a home delivery. Hey, I mean not in a hospital, child birth at home. The top ranking gynecologist attending was actually a family friend of the husband who was a high ranking diplomat who has served in many European capitals. The wife was in the bedroom having contractions at regular intervals watched closely by the nurses. A bunch of relatives and friends were gathered in the living room . The gynecologist was having a friendly chat with the expectant husband who seemed very edgy and was already hitting the bottle – as was the custom again I think. 

The wife though was from a rural aristocratic family was now well traveled and spoke a number of European languages fluently. 

Suddenly the conversation was interrupted by the scream from the bedroom.

“Oh, my God! Help me please!!”

The husband jumped to his feet with concern written all over his face. The gynecologist remained seated. He shook his head knowingly and said,

“Sit down, Sam. Not yet.”

Sam sat down reluctantly but in a little while another shrill scream, this time in French reverberated through the closed bedroom door.

“Mon Dieu,oooooooh!! Aidez-moi, sil vous plaît !!!”  

  

Sam shot back to his feet. Doc shook his head with the usual nonchalance which was now beginning to irritate Sam.

“Sam, take it easy dude. I’ll tell you when it’s really serious.”

Sam lowered back into the couch. Now the drink was forgotten. 

“O Mein Gott!!! Helfen Sie mir bitte!!”, came the scream now in German. Doc remained detached. Sam was now losing his head and was cursing himself for the choice of the attending gynecologist.

Another pause and then,

“Ooooh Mio Dio, Aiutatemi per favore!!!” 

 The ear splitting scream in Italian made even the men waiting around jittery.

“Doctor, now I think you gotta do something,” said Sam his face pale, drained of blood.

“Sam, bro, believe me.” Said the doc,  “I know the real thing when I hear it. You leave it to me. Have another drink. Looks like you need one.”

Even though Sam didn’t show it now he was infuriated at the gynecologist’s snobbish attitude. A few minutes passed without incident.

“ ¡Oh Dios mío!! Ayúdame põr favore!!” 

Aww! This time in Spanish! Still the doctor is unimpressed.

A gynecologist with an attitude! What a nerve! Sam wasn’t going to put his loving wife through this. He was going to call another doctor. This son of a bitch isn’t the only doctor around. Sam was dialing the phone furiously when everybody heard the final call from the bedroom, but this time definitely not of European origin. It was in pure exotic Sinhala, the once mother tongue, long forgotten.

“බුදු අම්මෝ!! මට බැරියෝ!! මා බේරා ගනියෝ!!”

The gynecologist shot up. “And that’s it dude. This is the real deal. Okay, see you then!!” and with a wave of  his hand the doctor hurried towards the bedroom door.

 Click here read LABOR PAINS 1- The Pregnant Dude

Click here read LABOR PAINS 2 - , “OK Ladies, Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You”

9. LABOR PAINS 2 - , “OK Ladies, Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You”

It was the peak times of the Women’s Lib Movement.  A group of activists went to see The Creator to submit a petition. It said that the women strongly felt that it was very unfair for only the women having to undergo the labor pains. It was a miscarriage of justice and they wanted the men responsible to suffer the labor pains, not only the innocent women. The Creator tried His best to make the women see the light, but they were so much set on their cause they refused to budge. After the classical warning, “Okay ladies, don’t say I didn’t warn you”, the wish was granted. Women walked away triumphant.

Everything seemed to be going fine. And then this woman was about to deliver the baby. She was obviously in no pain, and all the folks who gathered to watch this historical moment were watching the husband.  The dude was already hitting the bottle to deaden the pain he was supposed to get.

Now the contractions were getting closer and closer but the dude was taking it pretty cool sipping his drink. He seemed to be riding the pain so well, the other expectant husbands who were in the crowd noted the brand of liquor for them to stock up.

Now the baby was crowning and the dude was grinning.

“I don’t feel a thing, bro!” he stammered in his drunken stupor.

It was then everybody heard the ear piercing scream from the next door. Everybody ran out to see the guy next door was screaming on the lawn writhing in pain!!

Epilogue: An emergency Women’s Lib meeting was called immediately and it was unanimously agreed upon to appeal to the Creator to reverse the changes back into the good old ways of the good old days. This was done with the classical statement, "I told you so."  The default setting was selected and saved. 

Now women have labor pains again.

Click here read LABOR PAINS 1- The Pregnant Dude

Please come back tomorrow at the same for the LABOR PAINS 3 - LABOR SCREAMS IN MULTI-LANGUAGES – my favorite story of the three.

8. LABOR PAINS 1- The Pregnant Dude

Once a newly married young dude who was so deeply in love with his pregnant wife wanted to share the labor pains she was going to have at her first child birth. The gynecologist who listened to him with a professional thin lipped smile on his kind face nodded understandingly, and said that he really admired the his spirit. But when he kept on pestering the doc realized that this was something more than just infatuation.

“We need to share everything Doc.”

“But, there’s no way you can share this. It’s absurd!”

“She is undergoing this because of me…!”

“Nice attitude, but I’m sure she’s happy to bear up the pain on your behalf.”

“Doctor please… I’m begging you! I want to experience this!”

“It’s not humanly possible.”

Finally the Gynecologist gave up. After the classical warning, “OK then, don’t say I didn’t warn you”, he asked the intern he worked with to suture up dude’s anus and give him a powerful laxative.

Two hours later, the he was screaming his head off, nursing his bloated midsection when the Gynecologist entered the room.  Dude with streaming eyes and contorted face was begging the stitches to be removed, which was immediately done.

Later the Gynecologist told the dude, “Okay, that’s it. I see both of us made our points. But just let me tell you that the pain you underwent is only a fraction of what the real labor pain is.”

Epilogue: Now women folks don’t be alarmed about this because this is just an anecdote. My cousin has already told me that her toothache was much worse than her labor pains.

Epi-Epilogue: And this is a package of 3 stories. Even though I originally thought of writing all three at once my partner said that it would be too long. So I’ll publish it in three consecutive days. See you tomorrow.

 

henryblogwalker Dude on ANECDOTES THAT ROCKED US.